WIND-ROSE

A wind rose is an old design found on compasses, maps, monuments, and sometimes - due to it’s beauty and symbolism - tattoos. Its purpose is to show its readers which direction the major winds blow: North, South, East, West and all the intermediate points in-between. Today, a wind rose is mainly known as a compass rose, but some earlier names given were "compass star", or stella maris, which means ”star of the sea”. Like you, I’ve seen this symbol my whole life, but it was only during the time I was waiting to be placed with a child through adoption that I discovered the history and the meaning of this elegant symbol.

Waiting to be placed with a child through adoption is somewhat like floating in the middle of the sea with a sail all hoisted and ready, but unable to be steered. You go where the wind blows you and trust that somehow you’ll end up where you’re meant to be. But, the winds of the adoption process can also send you astray or floating around in circles (and it often does), testing your hope, forcing you to question whether you are actually lost rather than in waiting. The wind rose is there as a reminder to be patient and trust that soon a new wind will come and another direction will be taken. As I lay floating at sea, solemnly waiting for the wind to guide me to my future child, I knew in my heart that one day I would have a little girl and I would name her Wind-Rose.

We met on Valentine’s Day, my baby girl and I, when she was just two days old. Her father and I arrived at the crack of morning, to a town we’d never heard of before, and a hospital decorated with Valentine roses, love-hearts, and chocolates for sale. We had driven 20 hours straight through the night after receiving a call that a baby girl had been born outside Chicago and the adoptive family-in-waiting had suddenly changed their minds. Just like that, without warning, the wind had shifted and we were swept to shore. We stood in the sterile hallway of a birthing center, holding a splendid baby girl with the most beautiful rose bud lips and no given name. Hours later we sat in the hospital parking lot staring bleary eyed and astounded into the face of our newly found daughter, Wind-Rose. Light snowflakes fell outside.

Wind-Rose, or “Rosie” as she is most frequently called, was the grand marshal of an otherwise sad parade. She was a beaming, beautiful, blessing who headed straight toward me, but behind her there followed a trail of heartbreak. When I set my sights on adoption, I knew that my great joy would inevitably come from someone else’s great loss. I knew that all the wishes I made to finally find a child of my own were also, in some way, wishes for someone’s failure. This made the joy of wrapping her into my arms tinged with bittersweet. Sweet because I was enraptured by her arrival in the way a child is at their very first sighting of Santa Claus atop the finale float of a grandiose parade. Bitter because my daughter was brought into my life from another mother’s arms, a mother who was, in those very moments, surely weeping.

Part of me always feels the presence of this woman, my daughter’s first mother, and the grief she must carry. At times, I feel it is my duty to somehow make up for her sense of loss, but this is an impossible task. Yet, the knowledge of her has also been, for me, a profound guiding light that extends my limits of patience and pleasure while mothering this wonderful child. It is a breathless whisper that follows me saying, “do not take this for granted”. So I don’t.

I laugh often with my child, I love her with bottomless love, I work to better myself so that my daughter’s life will vicariously be bettered, I accept her, adore her, embrace the chaos as temporary, devote my time to her, and I give my all - at least, I aim to. This is not to say any of these acts are unique or go unrecognized by biological mothers. The adoptive mother differs only in that while nurturing her child, she also honors a promise made to the woman who came before her. In this way, how I care for my daughter is also how I care for the woman who trusted me to be her baby’s mother. She, who let me name her child, not knowing that the chosen name, Wind-Rose, was a reflection of her as well - the one who sent the wind to me that day while I waited out at sea. She, who unknowingly saved me.

LIL

You can’t miss her, not even in a room fully dispersed with silvery-white hair. She’s the one wearing authentic black-framed-cateye glasses, somehow still perfectly intact from the 1960’s. Before you ask, she gets a slew of compliments on her eyewear and “there’s a long line to inherit them”. Lil is 92 years old, an independent living resident at the John Bertram House, and one of the more vivacious and productive members of her small community. The John Bertram House houses approximately twenty-five residents at a time, each resident full of a long life’s worth of history-rich stories, personality, and charm. Even among this fascinating crowd, Lil stands out. She is special, though she doesn’t see herself that way. Speaking with Lil - a woman with enduring loyalty to her family, friends, and home town - turned out to be more than just a pleasure for me. Our talk was both inspiring and deeply moving, and it left me wishing I could travel back in time to know her younger self, before the John Bertram House.

Lil

Self-described “oldest virgin in Salem”, Lil was born, and remained in, Salem MA her entire life. “I lived a very active life”, she says despite never experiencing marriage, dating, or raising children of her own. She had a brief interest in a gentleman just before he went off to fight in the second world war, but sadly, he was killed in action, and Lil never found another man she was interested in pursuing. Despite a lack of romance, there never was a lack of enduring love in Lil’s life. From the emotion in her face while recalling those she’s lost over the years, it is clear she has loved deeply and completely for the people who came into her life. Lil’s small bedroom is popping with colorful collections of family photos on the wall, and the twinkle in her eye when she points them out to me is infectious.

Historic Salem MA

Before she retired at the age of 62 (more than 30 years ago), Lil worked at G.E. assembling parts for guns fired on battleships during World War II. She also served as president and vice president for over twenty years at an employment agency in town, which is where she claims to have acquired her regimented organization skills. Lil is the only resident I’m aware of who organizes an activity at the John Bertram House - and a popular one at that. Not only does Lil head the regular “Pokeno” game (a variation of Bingo), she funds it out of her own pocket - a fact few, if any, of the players know about. Lil runs her game professionally with order and attentiveness. The game begins and ends promptly and there is very little time wasted. In contrast to her authoritative nature during the game is her nurturing side she provides to the players. Lil arranges for those with the hardest of hearing to sit closest to the card caller, the person who had a stroke has her stone chips set out on the left side as opposed to her right, Julia’s chair is pushed against the wall until she arrives so that Lil can help her into her seat, and Lil knows which candies each player enjoys to have at their station.

Pokeno

Many of the stories Lil tells unintentionally paint her as an unwavering devoted friend to her loved ones, but she scoffs at this. “It was a different time, everyone did it” she tells me when I express my awe at her willingness to spend years of her life moving back and forth from house-to-house caring for her aging, sick friends and family. Lil was raised in poverty due partly to the death of her father when she was only three years old. Her oldest brother quit school and became head of household when he was just sixteen. Lil says matter of factly, “that was just expected of him”. She also adds affectionately, “he was my brother, my father, my best friend. He was my everything and he still is”. She recalls walking along the train tracks as a child with her brother, collecting coal to heat their family home. I believe Lil when she tells me it was a different time and people held different priorities than they do today, but she is also wrong. Lil is special. When she tells me how she sold her childhood home and all her possessions to become caregiver to her “chum” Marjorie, throughout Marjorie’s last years, I know Lil grew into old age without attachments to the material world, which is a special quality even among her generation. Lil valued the people rather than the things around her and fostered meaningful relationships.

Lil's "chum" Marjorie

“My mother never wanted me to be alone” she says, “so I always aimed to live with people, although I did live alone for many years”. After Marjorie passed away, Lil decided to find an assisted living community for herself. Choosing to live at the John Bertram House wasn’t a difficult decision for Lil because she says, “they are very good here” although she whispers, “this place is very expensive”. Lil is able to afford her stay at the home because, even at 92 years old,  she has “independent living” status and doesn’t need additional care with medication assistance, bathing/dressing, escorts, and transportation - all which require a surcharge. All Lil required in her search was a place that would meet a few simple needs: to remain in Salem, to occupy a small, compact room, and to have all her meals provided. Lil has lived at the John Bertram House for about four years, which is roughly the length she figured she could afford out of her own pocket. The John Bertram trust fund is set up to give some financial assistance to residents who are able to live independently so they can remain in the home after their personal funds run out. So, she maintains her independent status with determination. She gave up her car only last year for reasons such as “well, you know, I’m 92, the streets here are terrible”, then adds with subtle annoyance, “and people want you to have your wits about you when you’re driving”.

A community setting like the one at the John Bertram House is important to Lil since she not only thrives on social interaction, but also on serving a purpose. Lil has taken many of the elders under her wing. I’ve observed her lovingly assist others throughout the rooms, and interact with the kind of care only a mother would give. She is known to grab a broom in the dining hall, strip the tables of their linens after meals, and clean up the common area even though these are all tasks reserved for staff. Rarely, if ever, does she request assistance for herself. She even opts not to use the elevator, but climbs up and down the stairs each day - carefully grasping both railings as she goes - and walking backward down the stairs to better view her feet.

John Bertram House

One of the most tragic consequences of living a long life is the solitude that inevitably follows from out-living those around you. Throughout Lil’s life, she has lost both her parents, four of her five siblings (one to the war, another to a car accident, two to cancer), her best friend Marjorie, another dear friend, Ruthie, her dearly beloved brother-in-law, and many more. There is no age at which a person becomes immune to the grief of living in a world without their loved ones. At the John Bertram House, Lil continues to experience this kind of heartbreak, though the relationships she builds now don’t compare to the ones she had in her life before - “they die too quick”, she says with teary eyes. Lil tells me that Lilian, another resident, died last night, and I hold back my tears. “At least they told us this time”, she says referring to the John Bertram House staff, “sometimes we just read about it in the newsletter”.

Lilian, or “Beautiful Lilian” as I called her, was another one of the residents I’ve had the chance to know over the last two months. An elegant, petite woman with perfectly silver hair and impeccable style, Lilian couldn’t speak louder than a whisper, but what she had to say was always as gentle as her voice. She was full of compliments and gratitude, patience, and willingness to engage. She told me about her two daughters, her work as a nurse, and how happy she felt to see me smiling at her. I came to love and adore Lilian in just a short time and now she is gone.

Lily's last bloom

Lilian’s death, should not have felt unexpected, but it did. Suddenly the conversation I was having with Lil felt intensely important. I wanted to ask her everything at once, knowing that every conversation, every hello, every hug, and every smile with someone here at the house could be the last. But, it was clear from Lil’s teary eyes that the better thing might be for her to get back to the football game playing that I knew would lift her spirits, so I did my best to wrap up our conversation, promising myself I’d be back to speak with her more another time.

FIVE Conversation Skills for the Everyman

Imaginary re-enactment of a conversation

IMAGINE you are sitting in a coffee shop with someone you're very interested in getting to know. At one point during coffee, this person makes a bold, emotionally charged, opinionated statement. She or he says, “I can’t stand cops, they’re racist, power-hungry bullies”. If you agree with this statement then you’ll most likely continue on swapping stories and validating this shared opinion, however, if you do not agree or if you have some countering opinion on the matter, you will need to call upon some vital conversation skills in order to maintain a positive and meaningful dialogue.

Here, nobody is participating in active listening *see #4

   As a THEATRE TEACHER for the past 15 years, I have often used IMPROVISATION as a tool for actors to explore relationships on stage.

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly, Tina. See #5 for more details.

IMPROVISATION creates unscripted scenes between two or more players and is a great indicator of the kind of dialogue that encourages relationship growth versus dialogue that blocks it.

OBVIOUSLY, there are differences between communication on stage and in real life, however both share common skills that foster connection and keep conversation flowing.

CONVERSATION

is one of the most exciting forms of communication one can partake in and can be an excellent opportunity to develop and deepen meaningful relationships with others.

Do this!

Conversation skills help build meaningful relationships

 

Whether you wish to develop romance, friendship, or trust-based relationships such as with a child, co-worker, or family member, CONVERSATION SKILLS can be the PATH that leads you either TOWARD OR AWAY from those meaningful relationships.

HERE ARE 5 TIPS FOR IMPROVING THE CONVERSATIONS IN YOUR LIFE:

1. BE PREPARED

PREPAREDNESS is a tool you’ll need in order to avoid those  

dreaded AWKWARD SILENCES that happen periodically.

BEING PREPARED might mean simply coming to the table with a little PRIOR KNOWLEDGE about your partner’s history, job, or interests; subjects you can express curiosity about.

BEING PREPARED also means coming to the table with some of your own well-formed opinions and interests, such as current events, a good joke, or pivotal moments from your day.

This may all seem rather obvious, but many of us do not take the time to PREPARE A QUICK MENTAL CHECK LIST OF INTERESTING TOPICS - that article you read, the viral video you saw, the funny thing that happened to you on the way to the grocery store - instead when a lull appears in the conversation we freeze and end up scrambling with some sad cliche, like “How about them Sox”?

Don't do this.

It’s a good idea to think about some things in advance you might be excited to share with your conversation partner - even if these things never actually find their way into the conversation.


2. BE SPONTANEOUS

SPONTANEITY is the front-runner during conversation because 
we don’t want to be rehearsed and rigid when talking, we want to STAY PRESENT. 

That means ENGAGING in your partner as well as your surroundings.

Spontaneous conversation

LOOK AND LISTEN.

MAKE OBSERVATIONS about what you are seeing and hearing: 

“It sounds like you really love what you do” or “my grandmother used to play this song all the time when I’d visit her in New Orleans”. Then allow the conversation to flow in these new directions.

SPONTANEITY also comes in the form of FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS that elicit stories from your partner.  


OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS - questions that start with words like “how, tell me about, what do you think about” - are the most effective at inspiring longer responses from your partner.

Remember to ask questions that require some thought from your partner; ASK ABOUT PERSONAL FEELINGS, OPINIONS, AND IDEAS AS OPPOSED TO FACTS.

The more spontaneous you are with your responses and questions, the more you will inspire connection between you and your partner - and connection is really what it’s all about.

CONNECTION is the most influential element contributing to wonderful conversation.

3. MAKE EYE CONTACT

Eye contact promotes connection

One of the most basic ways of connecting to your partner by making EYE CONTACT. 

Spending long periods of time staring down at your hands, over your shoulder, or up at the ceiling cuts your partner out of your focus and causes disconnect. 

So, do allow your eyes to move naturally, but come back to your partner frequently, and especially maintain eye contact when he or she (or yourself) is making an important point, explaining, or expressing emotion.








4. PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVE LISTENING 

The person on the LEFT is demonstrating excellence in active listening

ACTIVE LISTENING shows genuine interest in what your partner is saying and can be very motivating for your partner to continue conversing. 

ACTIVE LISTENING involves physical expressions, such as raising your eyebrows, smiling, nodding your head and vocal expression, such as “oh, hmmm, I see, wow”, or “I understand” . 

ACTIVE LISTENING is always important, but particularly important when you find yourself disagreeing with your partner or unsure of what they are saying. These are times when connection becomes vulnerable so you’ll need to make an effort to maintain it. When building meaningful relationships, you want the message to be: “I want to understand you” as opposed to, “I don’t want to hear this”.


5. ACCEPT

Finally, this brings us to, for many of us (myself included), the most difficult skill to employ while fostering connection and that is ACCEPTANCE.

The BRIDGE between ACCEPTANCE of your 
partner’s opinion and DISAGREEMENT 
can MAKE or BREAK connection. 

lack of acceptance leads to disconnect

One of these people made a polarizing comment

Let's take the EXAMPLE from before:

Two people are engaged in conversation when one vehemently states,  
“I can’t stand cops, they’re racist, power-hungry bullies”. 
If you choose to counter this statement in disagreement with an equally strong dismissive statement - 
“No they’re not. Cops get a bad rep because people are ignorant and don’t understand what a tough job they have” 
 - most likely you will find the conversation turns argumentative and defensive and the connection lost.

Rather than immediately expressing your differing opinion, FIRST try and FIND COMMON GROUND.  This is where you will need to get creative, but look for something that will sincerely ACKNOWLEDGE some part of your partner’s point.

a trick from improvisational theatre

For example, you might say,  
“YES, there have certainly been a lot of stories in the news lately showing cops in a bad light. I can understand why you’d be angry.” 

This allows your partner to feel accepted and heard, which will further encourage connection. You are then in a better position to voice some countering opinion, such as: 

“AND it’s a shame too because I actually think there are more good cops than bad. I’ve heard some really touching stories of cops doing amazing things for the community, but it never makes the news”.

Now the conversation has somewhere to go. You will most likely learn something new about your partner that shaped their opinion and he or she will learn something about what’s shaped yours. Rather than debating one another, you’ll be connecting and the conversation will become more meaningful.

WHETHER YOUR GOAL IS:

This

This

Or This

CONVERSATION SKILLS CAN LEAD YOU THERE

BONUS:

The most wonderful thing about bettering your conversation skills is that you’ll never run out of ways to improve upon them.  

Have a great conversation!

THE GREATEST SKILL you can lend to conversation is being a well rounded person with many insights, experiences, and curiosities to share. 

The more interesting the person, the more interesting the conversation. 

So, continue to learn, take risks, make mistakes, and know that at the very least, one day they’ll make a great conversation.

The SNAP Challenge: Personal Reflections

           

                “Welfare makes people lazy” is one of the most common disparaging opinions shared by opponents of public aid such as The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP). To large portions of the population, the word “welfare” has become synonymous with “deadbeat” and “parasite". Mainstream media shine spotlights on outlier stories concerning welfare fraud and deliberate unemployment and misrepresents them as the norm - effectively encouraging the call to dismantle social benefit programs. Uninformed remarks and media sensationalism undermine social welfare and stigmatize the poor in a culture where wealth and extravagance are often blindly praised and unquestioned.

A FEW FACTS
     According to the Food Research & Action Center, as of May 2015, nearly 46 million individuals and families - two thirds being households with children - rely on SNAP in order to subsidize the purchase of food. Though the program reaches a significantly broad category of low-income households, some, such as “strikers, most college students, certain legal immigrants, and any undocumented immigrants are ineligible for SNAP”. The Center on Budget Policy Priorities (CBPP) reports that the program’s eligibility requirements are based on household income, size, and assets in comparison to the Thrifty Food Plan, “a low-cost but nutritionally adequate diet established by the U.S. Agriculture Department”. Benefit allowances vary according to need and the assumption that, in addition to SNAP, families will contribute 30 percent of their income to the purchase of food. The program attracts a wide variety of circumstances including those affected by illness or the death of a loved one, pregnancy without access to maternity benefits, loss of income due to unemployment, reduction in work hours, or entry into a job training program. The notion that these participants are categorically “lazy” is unfounded. According to the CBPP, nearly 60 percent of all able-bodied SNAP participants work while receiving benefits — and more than 80 percent work in the year before or after receiving SNAP.

WHY IT MATTERS
    The SNAP Challenge aims to raise awareness for the general public and community leaders regarding the struggle low-income populations face while living on a limited food budget averaging four dollars per day. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 2013 the federal government spent about 80 billion dollars on SNAP benefits - “a little more than two percent of the federal government’s spending in 2013” - which is enough to grab the attention of the Congressional Republican Party. Recently, the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities reported that if the Republican's proposed budget cut to SNAP - a 125 billion dollar cut to be spread out over 10 years - were to go into effect, it would force 11 million participants out of the program. Like all of government social welfare, SNAP remains vulnerable to budget cuts and defunding, which keeps its defenders constantly debating in order to protect the program and the families it serves.

THE CHALLENGE

    For one week, I attempted the SNAP Challenge and tried to live off the food twenty eight dollars would buy me. I planned my grocery trip days in advance, researching what would give me the best bang for my buck, and I recalled some recipes I ate in my youth while growing up in a lower income household. I did without

What my $28 got me.

my usual organic yogurt, all-natural-hormone-free chicken, delicious white peaches that cost nearly $2 a piece, daily almond milk lattes from a coffee shop, and I prepared my 3 year old daughter for the fact there would be no trips for ice cream this week - no matter how hot it got outside. I spent the day before the challenge doing a mini purge of my refrigerator, throwing away an unopened expired container of cottage cheese, an entire bag of browning Brussels sprouts, several old cucumbers from a local farm stand, and more. I cooked up a hearty lentil / potato based shepherd’s pie and a tuna-potato-canned-soup-casserole, divided up my loaves of bread into enough sandwiches for each day, rationed my morning coffee, and wrote up a meal plan that would be as satisfying as possible. I worried about my bananas going bad too soon and how I would heat my meals while away from home for the day. This kind of planning took real effort, a little creativity, total discipline, and some genuine sacrifice - none of which are “lazy” qualities.

Lentil Shepherd's Pie

Tuna Casserole

Whole Wheat Peanut butter & Jam

THE GAME OF POVERTY
     From the start of the challenge, I never actually expected to be granted genuine insight into the struggles of a welfare recipient. Even if I had managed to eat entirely off my allotted budget, I still had luxuries many actual SNAP users don’t, such as reliable personal transportation and secure shelter. For many people depending on SNAP, it is not just the amount of funds which is concerning, it is where the funds are able to be spent. Those without access to reliable transportation must often purchase food at higher priced corner stores putting them at an even greater disadvantage, or make the long journey to a discount store on the outskirts of town - a task made even more difficult for the elderly, those with children, during times of inclement weather, or with bus schedules that don’t coordinate with one’s work schedule. Many SNAP recipients are also living in temporary housing, which may have limited food storage and access to kitchenware. Probably the biggest luxury I had throughout the week was the luxury of choice. Playing the game of poverty is not the same as living it and I had complete control to “opt out” at any given moment, which in fact I did on the day my lunch was forgotten on the kitchen counter.

THE LESSON
    I wouldn’t call my personal experience with the challenge a success, but I wouldn’t call it a failure either. As the week went by, so did strict adherence to my $28 meal plan budget. I slipped here and there, accepted a cookie, and ate pancakes at my Mom’s house one day, but I didn’t just give up. Each day, I reflected on what I took for granted as someone more privileged than others. I examined my spontaneity with food spending and recognized some of my daily habits as wasteful. I thought about the spoiled food I tossed from my fridge and the $4 lattes I never even finished - extravagances many cannot afford. Just as it is important to periodically clear out the clutter accumulated in the closets of our homes, it is important to assess the accumulation of needless habits and behaviors. Most of us outside the safety net of social welfare could most likely do with a little less each day. Although I won’t be giving up organic food any time soon, I intend on making my own coffee every morning and cooking in bulk more often. At the very least, I’m grateful that my participation in the SNAP Challenge helped me to be less entitled in my day to day choices, more aware of my privilege, and a little less lazy.

THE UNWORTHY POOR

    I’d never claim to have walked in anyone’s shoes because of the SNAP Challenge, nor to know what it’s like to experience food hardship. I’d say the lesson in the SNAP challenge for me came not from asking what is too little? but instead, what is too much? Is keeping a tight hold on the daily latte more important than the dignity and health of the struggling poor? The conservative values America prides itself on - individual responsibility, hard work, and optimism, to name a few - do little to recognize the amount of responsibility, effort, and time it takes to survive while living in poverty - even with public assistance. It does little to recognize that the system has long exploited the disadvantaged and derailed progress for many populations it was built to serve, and diminishes those who work for poverty-inducing wages in order to create wealth for the powerful elite. It does, in turn, brand the poor as victims of nothing more than their own lack of motivation and calls them “undeserving”. In a culture with such extreme income inequality, where the wealthy seemingly have no bounds, and where exorbitant amounts of money is spent in the most frivolous of ways, surely we are capable of welcoming tax dollars into public assistance programs like SNAP without passing judgement. At least, I wish we were.

Social Welfare: Perceptions & Attitudes

It is no secret that the term “welfare” ignites polarizing, emotional opinion within the United States. Since the New Deal emerged in 1935, conservatism and liberalism have experienced heated debate over government’s role in social welfare. Conservative views echo old American values of individualism and personal responsibility while support is for limited-temporary-government assistance. Liberalism, in turn, advocates for government, particularly federal government, to play a central role in supporting disadvantaged groups while monitoring the wealthiest-most-powerful influences on the economy. But, what is social welfare and what does it mean to the average American? Furthermore, how does personal experience influences one’s attitude toward welfare in the United States? While discussing social welfare with two individuals, one thing rang clear: welfare is very much a subject assigned to lower income, poor, and disadvantaged groups. As much as the middle and upper classes may feel involved in the discussions, welfare remains an “us and them” topic. 

“Lou” 

“Welfare is great, I think it’s great”, says Lou, a white 26-year-old male from an affluent community by the sea, who is about to embark on his graduate studies in “Theatre Directing” at the Yale School of Drama. This attitude is based on what he’s read in the newspaper, his parents, and what he observed throughout his many years of private schooling. Describing his family as the “lower part” of an upper-middle class, Lou qualified for financial aid throughout all of his schooling. He reflects on how remarkable it was that even his home owning, well-educated, working family couldn't afford the “sticker price of private education”. His father, a merchant-seaman / carpenter / nurse, and his mother, a master’s degree holding occupational therapist, supported his goals throughout his growing up by sending him to private high school and encouraging theatre as an activity. He went to school with students “a lot wealthier than I”, but never felt that his financial aid likened him to a welfare recipient. As someone privy to high quality education, Lou is strongly in favor of need based financial aid and affirmative action. Explaining, “affirmative action is so necessary to at the very least acknowledge how unfair the system is” and that diversity of various kinds is better for everybody – certainly in arts education. Pausing to think about his phrasing, he adds a little devilishly, “Also, you know... to pop a little pin in the balloon of white middle / upper class people’s idea that they did everything on their own because they worked hard”. He clarifies, “I’m not saying I didn’t work hard, I’m not saying my parents didn’t work hard, but I think in the grand scheme of things, the choices I’ve been able to make and my opportunities were because of what was happening for me before I was born”.

Lou notes that both his father and mother were the first of their family to attend college and while recognizing an underlying truth to the conservative philosophy that morality, hard work, and self-reliance will lead to great successes, while a lack of is the fault of one’s failures, Lou links his privilege of opportunity to a chain reaction beginning in the 1950’s. It was then that his mother, born in the Bronx, moved to a suburb in New Jersey just as her older brother began entering into street fights and general “trouble”. This participation in the “white flight” movement resulted in his mother growing up in a better community with more opportunity, better paying jobs, and a safer overall environment. His mother’s life after the move became very different from her remaining Irish immigrant family in the Bronx. Lou’s fathers’ side followed a similar route, but experienced a brief hold-up when Lou’s grandfather, named Max (and described as having a big nose), was attempting to buy a house in Weston, MA – a suburb of Boston – and couldn’t get a Realtor to get him an offer on a house for weeks and weeks. When finally it was revealed there was a mistaken assumption he was Jewish, the process moved along and he secured a house for his family. For Lou, this family story is both kind of funny and awful because it asks the question, “For how many people was this blockage more serious” and how might it have derailed generations of people from advancements in opportunity such as my own? 

Growing up, Lou’s exposure to welfare mainly came from what he caught wind of on the news or by overhearing adult-dinner-table discussions. He has memories of being a small child in public school and noticing that some kids got free lunch (because “you ALWAYS know”), but not recalling any direct feelings linked toward the idea of “free lunch”. He reflects, “I think kids have to be... kind-of... taught to look down on something like that and I wasn’t taught that”. Aside from his parent’s occasional gripe with “whoever turned the heat up”, Lou did not grow up feeling connected to financial burdens. Prior to his travels overseas, Lou felt “abstractly aware” of social welfare in the United States and distinctly unaware of America’s unfavorable views and resistance toward social welfare.

Then came European influence on his young developing mind. Part of Lou’s many years of private education involved spending substantial amount of time in Europe, predominantly France and England. There, he observed the overt criticism toward American’s “selfish and conservative” views on social welfare because “so many people from England and France love to discuss their distaste for America to Americans”. The overseas experiences, more than anything he had observed in America, “opened his eyes to how different things are in other countries”; how broader systems of welfare are so much more available in other countries – “certainly England and France” – and they seem to work and are respected by the people.

Now as an adult, Lou believes “we need more government welfare”, not private. This belief comes mainly from his life work in the Arts. His thinking is: there should be more government social welfare for the same reasons there should be more government sponsorship for the Arts, because private charity “doesn’t work”. With some exaggerated exhaustion he explains, “It becomes all about “people’s feelings and whether they feel good donating to ‘this’ cause, but better if their name was on something”. Lou’s concern of private money putting power into the hands of few is often echoed by numerous liberal voices in regards to social welfare and political control. For Lou, the Arts having to rely on private donors means those donors then have more sway in dictating product, their voice becomes more valuable than the experts creating the art and “everything gets wrapped up in rich people thinking they’re important because they have money to give”. 

“Jack”

For the most part, Jack grew up in the same affluent community as Lou, however his experience as a young adult wasn’t filled with privilege and security. Jack, now a mid-forties white male, has worked for the past eleven years “in a cubicle like the Dilbert comic strip” as an IT specialist for Fidelity Bank. It’s a “good job, the people are nice”, and he frequently travels for work to areas in North Carolina and India. He took over his grandmother’s mortgage when she died and lives there, the same house he spent the majority of his youth growing up in, and he rents part of the house in order to supplement his income. He isn’t married and doesn’t have any children, but he’s an avid dog lover and adopts from high kill shelters when he can.

Jack describes his current views on social welfare as “mixed”. He believes the idea of a “welfare mom” – someone without any interest in improving her life or the lives of her children, who actively tries to stay on welfare by “pumping out kids in order to collect a government check” – is a myth. He’s never seen personal evidence of that happening and frankly, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense; his experience being on welfare did not provide a comfortable life even with his grandmother working additionally to support the family. He feels welfare should be there for those who need it, but is deeply disturbed by the stories he garners from news shows about drug dealers who also collect government aid or commit welfare fraud. He describes such a story along the lines of “a dealer’s arrest reveals dozens of EBT (Electronic Benefit Transfer) cards in their possession”. Drug dealers especially incense Jack, “I don’t think having an addiction problem to drugs and alcohol should disqualify someone from receiving aid, but when I hear stories on the news about those dealing, my blood boils”. 

For years, Jack’s parents battled drug and alcohol abuse, which meant he and his sister were frequently forced to move, bouncing between their two parents while they transitioned in search of housing and jobs. Sometimes twice a year, Jack began at a new school, in a new town. He remembers his mother using food stamps at the grocery store and the strange apartments within vacant houses they sometimes lived in. He recollects the cruel comments older kids called through the windows of those apartments and his awareness – even as a child - that he had something to be ashamed of regarding his mother receiving welfare. It wasn’t until 1979 when he was ten years old, his mother was committed to a mental health facility, his father imprisoned, that he and his sister permanently moved in with his widowed grandmother. 

His grandmother supported Jack and his sister by working as a hairdresser out of their home and with help from Aid for Families and Dependent Children (AFDC). By then, the stability that came from living in the same house and attending the same school in a good neighborhood greatly lessened the stigma attached to being on welfare. After AFDC was succeeded by TANF - Temporary Aid to Needy Families – in 1996, Jack experienced a sense of loss for so many of the “deserving families” like his, who so dearly needed those funds in order to live a dignified life. 

“I do get angry at the government”, he says. Jack likes to think that those who need it the most are benefiting from welfare, such as the elderly, veterans, and kids because “that’s where the money should be going”, but he doubts money isn’t being wasted. He feels illegal immigration results in a lot of crime and a lot of drugs coming into the country, which greatly contributes to inefficiency and waste with government welfare funds. Even so, he realizes “if I don’t want someone, you know, crawling through my window at night trying to rob me” then there’s got to be some options for those in need. For Jack, his personal relationship with government welfare is over, “I don’t want to be like my parents and be on these programs. I want to give back and right now that takes the form of being a good citizen who pays my taxes”. He says with a grimace that he’d be open to paying higher taxes if he thought the money would be used for the greater good, but “it’s hard to trust that government will use the money wisely”. 

Conclusion

In the United States, “welfare” is a word that elicits general feelings of both compassion and resentment, all-the-while imposing distance with it; either you are on it or you aren’t. Certainly for Lou and Jack, but possibly the majority, “welfare” is synonymous with both “poverty” and “need” when in authenticity, the nature of the word itself, “to fare well”, is quite lovely and universal. Any group, no matter their socioeconomic status, can exact claim for their “happiness, well-being, and prosperity” through government aid. In actuality, it is the middle and upper classes, not the poor, who are most benefited by welfare, yet the language used to describe welfare changes. Lower income government aid such as TANF, food stamps, Medicaid, public housing have been categorized as “welfare” by the majority of the population, but aid such as tax exemptions, tuition reimbursement, pensions, and in-service training have not. 

Both Lou and Jack’s perceptions of welfare have been shaped by their life experiences, which have led them to feeling outside of, not part of, the system. Perhaps the first step to remove the stigma attached to the idea of “welfare” is to acknowledge that we all exist within a system providing us entitlements (as unequal as those entitlements may be). Maybe then, the conversation can shift from debating what is truly fair and just in terms of welfare distribution to “those” in a poor lower class to what is fair for “us”. Possibly then will resentments be redirected where they are actually needed, which most certainly aren’t at the “bottom”.