FIVE Conversation Skills for the Everyman

Imaginary re-enactment of a conversation

IMAGINE you are sitting in a coffee shop with someone you're very interested in getting to know. At one point during coffee, this person makes a bold, emotionally charged, opinionated statement. She or he says, “I can’t stand cops, they’re racist, power-hungry bullies”. If you agree with this statement then you’ll most likely continue on swapping stories and validating this shared opinion, however, if you do not agree or if you have some countering opinion on the matter, you will need to call upon some vital conversation skills in order to maintain a positive and meaningful dialogue.

Here, nobody is participating in active listening *see #4

   As a THEATRE TEACHER for the past 15 years, I have often used IMPROVISATION as a tool for actors to explore relationships on stage.

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly, Tina. See #5 for more details.

IMPROVISATION creates unscripted scenes between two or more players and is a great indicator of the kind of dialogue that encourages relationship growth versus dialogue that blocks it.

OBVIOUSLY, there are differences between communication on stage and in real life, however both share common skills that foster connection and keep conversation flowing.

CONVERSATION

is one of the most exciting forms of communication one can partake in and can be an excellent opportunity to develop and deepen meaningful relationships with others.

Do this!

Conversation skills help build meaningful relationships

 

Whether you wish to develop romance, friendship, or trust-based relationships such as with a child, co-worker, or family member, CONVERSATION SKILLS can be the PATH that leads you either TOWARD OR AWAY from those meaningful relationships.

HERE ARE 5 TIPS FOR IMPROVING THE CONVERSATIONS IN YOUR LIFE:

1. BE PREPARED

PREPAREDNESS is a tool you’ll need in order to avoid those  

dreaded AWKWARD SILENCES that happen periodically.

BEING PREPARED might mean simply coming to the table with a little PRIOR KNOWLEDGE about your partner’s history, job, or interests; subjects you can express curiosity about.

BEING PREPARED also means coming to the table with some of your own well-formed opinions and interests, such as current events, a good joke, or pivotal moments from your day.

This may all seem rather obvious, but many of us do not take the time to PREPARE A QUICK MENTAL CHECK LIST OF INTERESTING TOPICS - that article you read, the viral video you saw, the funny thing that happened to you on the way to the grocery store - instead when a lull appears in the conversation we freeze and end up scrambling with some sad cliche, like “How about them Sox”?

Don't do this.

It’s a good idea to think about some things in advance you might be excited to share with your conversation partner - even if these things never actually find their way into the conversation.


2. BE SPONTANEOUS

SPONTANEITY is the front-runner during conversation because 
we don’t want to be rehearsed and rigid when talking, we want to STAY PRESENT. 

That means ENGAGING in your partner as well as your surroundings.

Spontaneous conversation

LOOK AND LISTEN.

MAKE OBSERVATIONS about what you are seeing and hearing: 

“It sounds like you really love what you do” or “my grandmother used to play this song all the time when I’d visit her in New Orleans”. Then allow the conversation to flow in these new directions.

SPONTANEITY also comes in the form of FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS that elicit stories from your partner.  


OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS - questions that start with words like “how, tell me about, what do you think about” - are the most effective at inspiring longer responses from your partner.

Remember to ask questions that require some thought from your partner; ASK ABOUT PERSONAL FEELINGS, OPINIONS, AND IDEAS AS OPPOSED TO FACTS.

The more spontaneous you are with your responses and questions, the more you will inspire connection between you and your partner - and connection is really what it’s all about.

CONNECTION is the most influential element contributing to wonderful conversation.

3. MAKE EYE CONTACT

Eye contact promotes connection

One of the most basic ways of connecting to your partner by making EYE CONTACT. 

Spending long periods of time staring down at your hands, over your shoulder, or up at the ceiling cuts your partner out of your focus and causes disconnect. 

So, do allow your eyes to move naturally, but come back to your partner frequently, and especially maintain eye contact when he or she (or yourself) is making an important point, explaining, or expressing emotion.








4. PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVE LISTENING 

The person on the LEFT is demonstrating excellence in active listening

ACTIVE LISTENING shows genuine interest in what your partner is saying and can be very motivating for your partner to continue conversing. 

ACTIVE LISTENING involves physical expressions, such as raising your eyebrows, smiling, nodding your head and vocal expression, such as “oh, hmmm, I see, wow”, or “I understand” . 

ACTIVE LISTENING is always important, but particularly important when you find yourself disagreeing with your partner or unsure of what they are saying. These are times when connection becomes vulnerable so you’ll need to make an effort to maintain it. When building meaningful relationships, you want the message to be: “I want to understand you” as opposed to, “I don’t want to hear this”.


5. ACCEPT

Finally, this brings us to, for many of us (myself included), the most difficult skill to employ while fostering connection and that is ACCEPTANCE.

The BRIDGE between ACCEPTANCE of your 
partner’s opinion and DISAGREEMENT 
can MAKE or BREAK connection. 

lack of acceptance leads to disconnect

One of these people made a polarizing comment

Let's take the EXAMPLE from before:

Two people are engaged in conversation when one vehemently states,  
“I can’t stand cops, they’re racist, power-hungry bullies”. 
If you choose to counter this statement in disagreement with an equally strong dismissive statement - 
“No they’re not. Cops get a bad rep because people are ignorant and don’t understand what a tough job they have” 
 - most likely you will find the conversation turns argumentative and defensive and the connection lost.

Rather than immediately expressing your differing opinion, FIRST try and FIND COMMON GROUND.  This is where you will need to get creative, but look for something that will sincerely ACKNOWLEDGE some part of your partner’s point.

a trick from improvisational theatre

For example, you might say,  
“YES, there have certainly been a lot of stories in the news lately showing cops in a bad light. I can understand why you’d be angry.” 

This allows your partner to feel accepted and heard, which will further encourage connection. You are then in a better position to voice some countering opinion, such as: 

“AND it’s a shame too because I actually think there are more good cops than bad. I’ve heard some really touching stories of cops doing amazing things for the community, but it never makes the news”.

Now the conversation has somewhere to go. You will most likely learn something new about your partner that shaped their opinion and he or she will learn something about what’s shaped yours. Rather than debating one another, you’ll be connecting and the conversation will become more meaningful.

WHETHER YOUR GOAL IS:

This

This

Or This

CONVERSATION SKILLS CAN LEAD YOU THERE

BONUS:

The most wonderful thing about bettering your conversation skills is that you’ll never run out of ways to improve upon them.  

Have a great conversation!

THE GREATEST SKILL you can lend to conversation is being a well rounded person with many insights, experiences, and curiosities to share. 

The more interesting the person, the more interesting the conversation. 

So, continue to learn, take risks, make mistakes, and know that at the very least, one day they’ll make a great conversation.