DEATH & GRIEF The Living Funeral: A Celebration of Life Before Death

The living funeral challenges traditional notions of grief rituals by honoring the person and offering a meaningful way to say goodbye prior to death.

Below, 79-year old Grace Stephens embraces her son, Dean Roberts, at her celebration of life party.

Frequently Asked Questions: Living Funerals

WHAT is a living funeral?

The underlying purpose of the living funeral is to create an experience for the person being honored, a lasting memory for the guests, and an opportunity to express love and communicate the influence bestowed upon one another during life.

Much like life, the living funeral is a deeply personal experience. There are many interpretations, with some being casual, others formal, some small, others large, some joyful, and others more somber and reflective.

WHO is a living funeral for?

Typically, in North American culture, living funerals are for individuals who have been given the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness. However, living funerals are also designed by and for people without illness, but whom recognize the unpredictability and inevitability of mortality.

Essentially, a living funeral is for the living.

WHY do people choose to have a living funeral?

The most common reason for a living funeral is for loved ones to gather together, honor, and reflect upon a person's life with the recognition that the person's time is limited. It is a meaningful way to say goodbye.

"When a colleague died suddenly of a heart attack, Morrie went to his funeral. He came home depressed. "What a waste," he said. "All those people saying all those wonderful things, and [he] never got to hear any of it."

- from the book, Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom

HOW long have living funerals been around?

Many people have not heard of living funerals as they are only recently beginning to emerge. In the United States, the evolution of America's Right to Die Movement has influenced the rising trend of the living funeral. In Japan, a change in the way that old age is perceived has prompted the use of living funerals.

The Living Funeral in the United States

How the debate over the right to die led to the unfolding of the living funeral 

The Beginning: Debate concerning the choice for merciful death at end-of-life begins

Awareness of the death experience is initiated

Concept of "Rite of Farewell" during terminal illness is discussed

Discussion expanding the concept of patient rights is promoted

Conversation concerning individual autonomy and personal values evolves

Debrief on the Living Funeral in the United States

Holly Little Van Straaten, SW 636: Death & Grief

(5 minutes)

Personal Stories

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MEET GRACE

Grace Stephen's "Royal Party"

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Article: click here to READ about Grace's royal wish come true

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MEET LISA

Lisa Tremont's "Goodbye Bash"

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WATCH Lisa's story

(3.5 minutes)

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MEET BETSY

Betsy Davis' "Last Work of Art"

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Article: click here to READ the moving story of Betsy's goodbye 

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MEET JIL

Jil Finnegan's "Last Day"

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WATCH Jil's story

(10.5 minutes)

The Living Funeral

JAPAN

Overview of Seizensō (生前葬), the Living Funeral in Japan

Holly Little Van Straaten, SW 636: Death & Grief

(6 minutes)

 

IMPACT

"Dying persons are our teachers since by accepting the limited time left in their lives, they can focus on what is truly important and meaningful." – K. Doka

Miriam Swaka teaches us how to say "I love you" at her living funeral.

(3.50 minutes)

What impact does the Living Funeral have on the grief process for families and loved ones?

Some people are granted the time to involve those they love in their dying process. However, when families learn about a loved one's life-threatening illness, they often struggle with how to talk about it. Some reasons for this include:

Fear of saying the wrong thing

Fear of own mortality

Guilt/shame about what has happened in the past

Denial regarding the possibility of death

What to remember and how to respond to the Living Funeral?

Be respectful. It is not unusual for people who experience life-threatening illness to speak of the illness as a turning point in their lives. They may feel that because of their illness they have reconstructed their priorities, and may wish to enrich the quality of their remaining time. A living funeral may symbolize this for the person. It is important to be respectful of the end-of-life decisions a person makes even if you do not understand or agree.

Listen well. While the initiation of a Living Funeral demonstrates open awareness of the life-threatening illness, it does not mean the person is not also experiencing complicated responses, such as fear, anger, sadness, and/or hope. Be prepared to listen to the person as they express their array of feelings even if the feelings seem to change frequently or contradict. Listening is powerful.

Allow tears and laughter. Honest responses are a valuable part of the open awareness experience with a person who has a life-threatening illness. Grief is an emotion, and it is okay to cry, laugh, or both at the same time.

Listen well to Morrie Schwartz (Tuesdays with Morrie) as he shares his perspective on dying.

(1.06 minutes)

Covid-19 Impact on Living Funerals

Holly Little Van Straaten, SW 636: Death & Grief

(3.15 minutes)

Thank you for taking the time to learn about this topic.

Holly

SOCIAL PROBLEM: GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDCHILDREN

In Gloucester, Massachusetts, Elle, a single, 75-year old great-grandmother is raising her two great-grandchildren (ages 5 and 8). Elle became caretaker to the children four years ago when their biological mother (Elle's granddaughter, whom Elle also raised) was no longer able to care for them due to her struggle with an opioid addiction. The children’s father is serving a life sentence for a crime he committed while engaged in substance use. The courts awarded Elle full guardianship of the children until they turn 18, at which point, Elle will be 88-years old. Now, at 75, an age typically experienced by retired elders, Elle continues to work in order to support the children, while balancing the responsibilities of home life, the children’s special education needs, and her own naturally declining health.

According to the 2014 United States Census, there are 2,631,546 grandparents raising grandchildren, of whom 39% are over the age of 60. Within this group, 58% remain in the workforce and one in five lives below the poverty line. Experts point to the opioid epidemic as a main factor in the rise of grandparents raising grandchildren as well as the increasing number of children entering foster care . According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS), children placed in kinship foster care increased from 34% in 2008 to 40% in 2014.

While grandparents raising grandchildren can be beneficial for the child in comparison to their placement being in foster care or group homes with non-relatives, consequences to the problem remain wide-ranging for families. This includes the disruption of life plans, such as postponement of retirement, depletion of retirement savings and/or assets, and isolation from critical social networks. Furthermore, trauma stemming from the neglect and abuse that ultimately led to the removal of the child, presents additional challenges including the need to navigate behavioral and mental health services. Likewise, children exposed to substance abuse prenatally may have temporary or permanent developmental issues requiring ongoing health and education services. Amidst these challenges, many grandparents provide dual care toward both their grandchild/ren and their adult child struggling through addiction and/or related legal, mental health, and financial issues. Some of the most requested services from grandparents raising grandchildren are kinship navigation services, financial and legal assistance, counseling, and respite care.

Efforts to address the problem include the Supporting Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Act, a law passed unanimously in 2018 that establishes a Federal Advisory Council to support grandparents and other relatives raising children. However, strategies remain necessary and include the need for preventative services, such as substance abuse treatment, mental health services, affordable childcare, and in-home supports. Critical to the success of prevention is protection of Medicare and Medicaid as well as the implementation of accessible, affordable, quality health care for all. With the support of practitioners and policymakers and improvement of and access to services, grandfamilies can experience better outcomes, and communities can come together in order to more effectively combat the opioid and substance abuse crisis.

Mom's In Her Bathrobe

A fun project my daughter and I did together. Easy, funny, happy.

Are Entitlement Programs Creating a Culture of Dependency?

The ISSUE

 

 

The term entitlement, which is a euphemism for welfare, describes “benefits provided by government to which recipients have a legally enforceable right” (The American Political Dictionary, 2001). Entitlement programs exist throughout all socioeconomic demographics, yet the most well known examples concern lower income recipients, such as Social Security, TANF (Temporary Aid to Needy Families), SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program), and the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare). Whether the title given to the concept of government aid be welfare, entitlements, or government resource transfers, the idea of the government providing assistances to some over others ignites polarizing, emotional opinion within the United States. 

The debate surrounding whether or not entitlements help or hurt the individuals and collective society they serve is not only based on economic concerns, but moral ones. The morality attached to entitlement spending is entwined with deeply rooted American values touting the importance of individualism and personal responsibility, all of which raise the question, “Do entitlement programs create a culture of dependency”?

YES

Nicholas Eberstadt, author of A Nation of Takers and douche

According to Nicholas Eberstadt, author of A Nation of Takers: America’s Entitlement Epidemic, entitlement spending in the United States has transformed the country into an “entitlement machine”, and is creating a culture of dependency, and one that has lost the determination to work. Reflecting on the past when “paupers” - those who accepted private charity and lived off public resources - faced social stigma, Eberstadt claims that today, more than half of all American households’ embrace receiving some form of government entitlements without shame (Eberstadt, 2012). 

My personal reaction to Eberstadt

Eberstadt further claims the normalization of entitlements has caused an explosion of disability claims and awards under the disability insurance provisions of the U.S. Social Security program, contributing to the transfer of “over $2.2 trillion in money, goods, and services to recipient men, women, and children in the United States”. Eberstadt asserts that as a result of easy accessibility to government entitlement programs and the lack of social stigma attached to receiving them, “many millions of Americans are making a living by putting their hands into the pockets” of their fellow taxpayer citizens (Eberstadt, 2012). 

NO

William Galston, not an asshole

William Galston, a former policy advisor to President Clinton, argues against Eberstadt and his claim that the growth of entitlement programs, since 1960, has destabilized American self-reliance, and created a culture of dependency. Galston emphasizes that Eberstadt’s research fails to present any direct evidence that the growth of government entitlements has weakened America’s moral character. He further asserts that Eberstadt’s research fails to tell the whole truth by ignoring entitlements such as tax expenditures, which disproportionately benefit upper-income families and now constitute more than $1.1 trillion annually. Galston argues that contrary to dependence, entitlement programs create interdependence, which is the extension of reciprocity found in well-functioning societies (Galston, 2012). 

Interdependence, did you say?

Examining America’s need for entitlement programs is different than examining America’s dependency on entitlement programs. In terms of need, Galston cites three long-cycle trends that concern the distribution of entitlements: America’s aging society, the near-disappearance of pensions and health insurance for retirees, and the macroeconomic trend reflecting higher costs accompanying lower or stalled incomes. Galston undermines Eberstadt’s dependency claim by citing the 2009 PEW Social Mobility Project, which reveals most Americans as continuing to believe that government entitlement programs are not a substitute for hard work, ambition, and education (Galston, 2012). 

Add caption

CONCLUSION

To be entitled to something is not the same as being dependent on it. The real moral problem surrounding the increased need for entitlement programs does not come from low socioeconomic people having dependence, but from the underlying causes that create need for entitlement programs, such as multisystemic oppression of marginalized groups, self-interest and greed from big business, loss of benefits, lower-wages, and increased cost of living. Those who share the perception that the majority of entitlement programs are distributed to the bottom of the socioeconomic latter, while single-handedly draining the economy, and creating dependency, laziness, and a desire for “free stuff” are in blind denial. 

That's right, blind denial, folks.

Deliberate unemployment is a myth. For example, according to the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, nearly 60 percent of all able-bodied SNAP participants work while receiving benefits, and more than 80 percent work in the year before or after receiving SNAP. Furthermore, many entitlement programs stimulate healthier and more productive members of society by providing vital stepping stones, such as education support tax credits that promote long-term opportunity, the Affordable Care Act, Medicare and Medicaid that improve quality of life (particularly for children and elders), and housing subsidies that provide safety and dignity for less advantaged people. Despite the misconceptions, which are largely promoted by elitist conservatives, able-bodied people remain the demographic group most under-served by the entitlement system (Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, 2012). Eberstadt’s relating the rise of entitlements to dependency is an example of pervasive misrepresentation of the poor through mobilization of bias and misuse of statistics.

 

TRANSGENDER PUBLIC ACCOMMODATIONS BILL

April 7, 2016

Office of Congressman Seth Moulton

21 Front Street

Salem, MA 01970

Dear Congressman Moulton

I write as a concerned citizen regarding the current inaction toward signing the Transgender Public Accommodations Bill(S735, H1577) into Massachusetts legislation. As a student of social work, I have a vested interest in the well being of all members of our society. Additionally, I have gained pertinent knowledge and insight into the struggles oppressed and marginalized groups face. Transgender folk face numerous obstacles while integrating into mainstream society; the denial of this bill’s protections and rights should NOT be one of them.

This bill, which seeks to expand legal anti-discrimination protections for gay and transgender people by including public accommodations such as restaurants, lodging and restrooms, MUST BE PASSED. Discrimination is wrong, and it is an outrage that the dignity and safety of a person is being disregarded simply because of the failure to enact legal protections - protections that should exist for EVERY person regardless of their identity.

According to the 2011 National Transgender Discrimination Survey, 41 percent of transgender participants (2,644 out of 6,450) had attempted to take their own lives. Sexual assault was the biggest cause, followed by physical assault, harassment in school, and job loss due to bias. You can view the summary of this report yourself here: http://endtransdiscrimination.org/PDFs/NTDS_Exec_Summary.pdf

I am disappointed in Governor Charlie Baker’s lack of support for the transgender community by ignoring S735, H1577, and I urge my state representative to take action. Let the transgender community know that you care about their well being, protect this vulnerable group, and send a message that you support non-discrimination by backing this bill. The time is now.

Sincerely,

Holly Little Van Straaten

THEY WARNED ME, I DIDN'T LISTEN, WE WERE BOTH RIGHT: Reflections On Returning To School As An Adult

Back in 1997, when I graduated from High School, the prevailing advice from guidance counselors everywhere echoed through the walls and into the ears of every young student, “Go to college now or life will get ahead of you… Go to college now, go now… before it’s too late”. At the time, I sort of listened to the advice. I applied to college, but I deferred attending in order to use my life savings to travel (alone) and volunteer overseas. By the time I returned from abroad and entered the classroom, my mind was beaming with distraction from my still lingering adventures. I lacked any attention span for studying, ended up busying myself with outside projects - taking the train everyday into Boston to work in the theatre - and neglecting my school work. I wasn’t ready for college, so I left. As any free spirit might imagine, the years that followed were mostly marvelous. I worked all over the country in the theatre as well as odd jobs, met many wondrous human beings, and lived a fulfilling, improvisational life well suited to youth and naiveté.

Then, after a lot of soul-searching, I decided to commit myself to school, this time for real. Just as I made, what appeared to be, a wise plan for myself and my future (I moved out of state, enrolled in a University, found a place to live, got a job, and organized myself into neat little 5-year plans) the old guidance counselors words of wisdom suddenly came true: life got ahead of me. Two weeks into classes at The University of New Orleans, hurricane Katrina came and destroyed my school, most everything I owned, my bank account, and each and every plan I had so consciously designed for myself. The hurricane swept me back to Massachusetts with nothing but a pair of shoes and a heavy blanket of confusion. Life went by very fast after that.

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

I clung to old habits, returned to the theatre and past jobs, experienced the brutality of financial hardship and the lack of options that go with it. I found myself working just to make ends meet - just as so many Americans do - and school was put on the back burner. There it remained while I worked to pay for rent and food, fell in love and consequently married an immigrant, struggled through the years of infertility that followed, and went through the arduous, yet ultimately the most divine, process of adopting my daughter. School remained on that back burner for nearly ten years until the accumulation of all my life experiences began to make sense for me in the form of returning to school to pursue Social Work.

artwork by Bread and Puppet Theatre

Now, in my mid-thirties, I have a much greater attention span and find myself learning intensely and enthusiastically in school - I’m on the Dean’s List with straight A’s as a matter of fact. I possess an academic drive I never imagined myself having before, and I owe it all to life getting ahead of me because, even if I didn't know it then, that was when I learned who I wanted to be in the world. I’m grateful for the lessons in privilege and oppression, how they shape a life, and my personal responsibility in acknowledging the many ways I am at an advantage over others. I’m thankful to have experienced the depth of heartache that true disappointment can yield, and even more thankful for the sense of accomplishment that sometimes comes later. Today, I am particularly grateful for the experiences that have taught me the value of an education, and given me a clear vision of myself as a social worker.

REACTING TO EXTRACTION, EXPLOITATION, CONSUMERISM, AND GLOBAL WEALTH INEQUALITY: What FOOLS These Mortals Be

What a nightmare, what total and utter madness! 

After carefully viewing both The Story of Stuff and Global Wealth Inequality I’m a little out of breath, honestly - and it’s not the first time. I mean, the subjects relating to our world’s “materials economy” aren’t exactly news to me - I’ve caught wind for some time now. Each reminder, though, of how severe the “system in crisis” is, renders me speechless. But, all it seems I can do is cry. Cry from the surge of anger, despair, pity, and shame I feel from the knowledge of what is being done to our world, the people who inhabit it, our values, and ourselves.

Materials Economy

It is one thing to have knowledge - they say knowledge is power - but it doesn’t feel that way. Instead, it feels different from power, it kind of feels like Hell. Hell is knowing that my own pillow is made from neurotoxins poisoning not only me who is sleeping on it, but also the exploited person who made the pillow in the first place. Hell is the knowledge that 99 percent of the “stuff” extracted, transported, and sold is TRASHED within six months - more Hellish is knowing this was the design all along, through planned obsolescence. Hell is knowing the richest 300 people on Earth have as much wealth as the poorest 3 billion and that those 3 billion don’t stand a chance because the rules enforced upon them are designed to keep them powerless. Hell is having the knowledge of the power of corporations, “trade misplacing”, and “trade rules”, but knowing very few others who share the same awareness. Hell is being confronted with the unwillingness of people to even learn about what is happening around them, and knowing it is too much of a mess to clean up without their help.

Spinning mills in the Indian state of Tamil Nadu supply a number of well-known European and US brands and retailers.

Probably most Hellish of all is being confronted with my own personal responsibility in the orchestra of consumerism, and owning up to the ignorance and daily indulgences that come at such a high cost for so many others. How could we let this happen? Furthermore, why do we continue to let this happen, especially since we are collectively miserable? Why do we not change the rules? I am looking around every corner of my apartment and taking note of all the plastic children’s toys scattered on the floor. I’m thinking about the small hands that helped make them - far away in a toxic environment - from materials harvested from other far away places. All these meaningless things on the floor feel so much more significant than they did before. I wish I thought about this when I decided to buy them. I wish everyone did.